The Baby Seal Quotiant

Alot of you have already been informed of my "Baby Seal Quotiant", surely you didn't think I would start a blog and NOT include the Baby Seal Quotiant. For the initiates, let me explain what it is, and from whence it came.

The Baby Seal Quotiant started as a theory based on principles that clubbing baby seals could be a more effective and thorough use of bandwidth than what I am currently using. I actually have a screenshot of me downloading a PDF at 75 BYTES a second. That's right boys and girls, a blazing speed of 75 BYTES a second. I thought to myself "Boy, I could probably just call the guy and have him transate the entire document into binary over the phone whilst I type it in and re-compile it faster than the way I am recieving it now.."

This led me to think of common ways (and some not so common) of transmitting data rather than plain ol' wires and radio and stuff. So here it is...enjoy...

PART 1

Take into consideration that all these are dependant on something being able to accurately measure the changes etc that I've listed. I have a million of these in my head, but Ill just start with the most "down to earth" ones. Well...that last one isn't so down to earth but it's horribly funny...

1. A dead bug smashed on the visible side of each tire rotating on 4 cars traveling at approximate speeds of 135.5 KM/H, recording at each full cycle of rotation marked by the revolutions of the dead bug would be a more effective transmitter of data than I am using.

2. A cloud passing in the sky that makes 601 tiny changes in it's exact shape over the duration of one second would be transmitting data faster than me.

3. A heavy rainstorm falling on a tin roof is almost enough for me to begin thinking about a game of Counter-Strike. But if you want math, you can figure that it would only take a piece of tin about 26 feet square, at 2 raindrops per square inch per second to exceed my current speeds by a full 6 percent.

4. A laser pen, shot through a snow storm, going through an average rate of 1 snowflake per inch and measured only 1 time a second, would only take approx 50 feet of laser to accomplish speeds comparable to my current speeds. If it was snowing really hard, and I got an average of 2 laser penetrated snowflakes per inch, you could cut that down to 25 feet. 25 foot of laser in a heavy snowstorm sends data more quickly than my connection....

5. If you dropped a plate on the floor, and upon impact it broke within a half or second or so (pretty reasonable), the plate would only have to break into 301 individually different pieces, moving continuasly for at least one second, to be faster than my connection to load theonion.com

6. A semi dense carpet of grass, with lets say 8 blades of grass in each square inch. The wind blows. The movements of the blades of grass in a 6 foot 4 inch square area could match my speeds.

Here's the kicker..

7. Approximately 200 men simultaneously clubbing 200 baby seals at 3 hits per second (they really hate baby seals) would be transmitting data via the screams of dying seals at the same rate I am now at. If one guy gets in an extra hit during that 1 second, then the clubbing of baby seals is a more effective internet connection than mine...

Nice eh? I like that last one in particular. I'm going to start a new bandwidth measure called "The Baby Seal Quotiant". It's a measurement of bandwidth based on how many baby seals one would have to have clubbed in one second at 3 hits a second to match the bandwidth your seeing. To HELL with megabytes, etc. Baby Seal Quotiant is something more people can identify with....

PART 2:

Ok...I'm putting two guys per baby seal, and upping the hits to 4 per second per seal. That makes 2 seals a byte. Nice and easy number to work with. Of course if we took into measurment the amount of blood splatter in conjuction with dying seal bleats, we could probably work 2 seals up to a kilobyte pretty easily...it would only take 256 individual splatters of blood, per hit, per seal to make a kilobyte. I got it...the blood could be the actual data packets, and the bleats are header info... LOL ok cool. We'll go with the blood dispersion method. If so, then 2 seals equals a kilobyte ..so...

2,048 beaten seals equals 1 meg (2 men at 2 hits each per seal per second)

So the conversion is set at:

1Mbps = 2MBSps (that's MegaBeaten Seals Per Second)

the reverse is

1MBSps = 512Kbps

for every 1MBSps, there's also a 512bps header (the leftover un-used dying seal bleats). We'll refer to the seal bleat header as the SB data channel. Since it's comprised of a totally seperate transmission medium (using sound waves rather than blood dispersion patterns) it's use is highly configurable, not too mention wireless. There's even a system failure warning that could be incorporated. When the primary transmission method falls below acceptable levels (IE the seal just isn't bleeding as much as is needed for effective transmission), the SB data channel can still be utilized until the Baby Seal goes into complete system shutdown (IE the baby seal is dead)...

I think this could go somewhere..clubbing baby seals will be in the vogue again!